Understanding grief: How to help

This is the first blog post in a series offering support to ministry leaders as they support those in their congregations while they grieve. Our next blog post in this series will be published on July 19.

Death and loss are sad facts of life, but those involved in general ministry in their churches are often on the front lines of offering comfort. If you’re a pastor of a mainline congregation, you may have some training in counseling to help your parishioners through their grief, but many other church leaders—including Sunday school teachers, study group moderators, and lay leaders—often aren’t sure where to begin when it comes to helping someone who is hurting.

Understanding grief is an important first step. Though the grieving process is different for everyone, many people experience similar physical and emotional effects. Once you know what to expect, it’s easier to feel confident instead of uncomfortable around someone who is grieving—and this will allow you to provide much-needed support.

What Grief Looks Like

In the movies, grief is often expressed with a burst of tears, followed by a heroic silence and strength. This is an oversimplification, though, and a person who is grieving is likely to experience many symptoms, both physical and emotional. Crying is common, but so is feeling like you can’t speak or be with others. Sometimes panic attacks and social anxiety are a part of grieving, too.

Intense grief can also cause physical pain. Many people describe this as flu-like, with fatigue, aches, difficulty sleeping, and loss of appetite. In other cases, sensitivity to sensory stimuli, shortness of breath, and even dizziness can occur. It’s important to remember that these feelings are very real and not justpsychosomatic.

You might also be familiar with the traditional "stages of grief": denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, these stages were originally developed to explore how people deal with their ownimpending death, not the loss of a loved one. Today, many psychologists prefer to think ofgrief as having four components that can be experienced in any order:

• Separation Distress:Sadness, anxiety, anger, and fear about being left alone.
• Traumatic Distress:Shock and disbelief, plus the desire to avoid strong emotions over memories.
• Guilt and Regret: Additional pain over things that cannot be changed.
• Withdrawal: The desire to be alone.

How to Help Someone Who Is Grieving

Understanding how grief manifests itself should help prepare you for what you may see when you reach out to a person who has suffered a loss. It’s important to remember that there’s no "right" way to grieve, so any and all of the features discussed above could be present, and they can come and go. Even though grief is different for each person, there are still several things that are universally helpful:

• Express your sympathy: If you’ve ever wondered whether you should reach out to someone with condolences, just do it! Even if you’re not close, don’t be afraid to bring it up. Your support will be appreciated, even if silently.
• Listen: Many people are afraid to talk about someone who has died for fear of bringing up painful memories. In reality, most people want to talk about their love one—or even just to hear their name spoken aloud. If you’re uncertain, you can ask if they’d like to talk about it. Then just listen.
• Check in: Don’t avoid a grieving person for fear of intruding. Call, text, or stop by to see how they are—if it’s a bad time, they’ll let you know. Many people who are grieving lack the energy to make plans or reach out for help, even when they need it, so your call could come at just the right time.
• Tend to basic needs: Another way to help is to offer to run errands or take care of some of life’s basic chores. Making a meal is a time-honored gift, but you could also call to say you’re swinging by the grocery store and could pick up anything they need, or something similar. Daily tasks can feel overwhelming at first, so these kindnesses are essential.

What Not to Say

Sometimes when we want to help, we can end up saying the wrong thing. Though many people eventually are able to find meaning in a devastating loss, there’s no timetable for this—it simply can’t be rushed. Try to avoid saying thing’s like "it’s part of God’s plan" or "everything happens for a reason." Though faith may offer clarity for you right now, the grieving person may not be ready for that level of acceptance—and that’s okay. By being there to listen and love, you’re doing enough. The rest will come in time.

Interested in learning more? Our sister imprint, Fortress Press, offers “Good Grief,” a book that offers support to ministry leaders about dealing with grief in their congregations.